Listen to My Tears

May 19, 2022 There's Your Answer  What do you want from me?  You want me to magically have an answer to every question you pose?  Or feel the need to find the good in a life I’m tired of living?  I can’t give you answers that I don’t know myself Why did I see this doctor?  Why do you want a psychologist?  What do you want to do with your life? I  DON’T KNOW I go to doctors because my grandmother makes me  I don’t know why I want a psych when they’re not even gonna help me in the end  I have absolutely no answer to any fucking question you pose  I just do it even though in the end I’ll be forty steps back from where I stand  There’s no choice in my life It’s just a "fucking do it" situation  If I could do what I wanted,  Without repercussions and an infinite amount of resources at my disposal,  I still probably wouldn’t know what the fuck to do.  . . . Actually, I do.  I’d fucking end it.  There’s your d...

May 18, 2022 fuck everything  Fucking fuck every fucking thing in this god damn stupid fucking world  I’m to fucking fat  And too fucking depressed  And I can’t fucking handle any of this shit anymore  I want to do this  And do that  But to get there i need money  Or insurance Or connections  Or any form of fucking social interaction  I can’t fucking stand dealing with it  Or being told to fucking “relax”  I haven’t fucking relaxed in twenty-three fucking years  I’m not magically gonna fucking relax now  I wanna fucking be dead now And i have been for fucking 5 years I don’t want to fucking exist anymore  I wann fucking throw myself off the goddamn fucking bridge Or shoot myself in the fucking head  Or fucking let a fucking train run over my body and completely ruined my body so there is nothing left  Just like the fucking inside 

May 2, 2022 Invisible I stand alone in my bathroom and cry again tonight  These four blue tiled walls are the place my tears are stifled  Where the world won't hear my screams in silent pain. I've come to realize that being alone,  Which once seemed to be the thing I feared most,  Is only the half of it.  Not only am I alone, I'm invisible.  To my family. To my coworkers.  To my friends   To everything and everyone.  I've become something people walk all over  And ignore at their own will. People choose when to see me; When to notice I'm there. I can scream and cry and beg for even the slightest glimpse, But they never glance my way.  They see me when it's convenient for them,  Not when I'm in desperate need of their help.  The only place people seem to care is in my dreams,  Where before my mind falls to sleep, I can make people see me.  But as the world fades to black and my subconscious takes control, It'...

April 23, 2022 understanding  One wrong word One wrong statement  and now i feel like hanging on every word  Not so much in wait But in holding back I wonder if i should keep my thoughts to myself again  To edit every word coming from my mind to my fingers or my mouth  I wonder if i should just keep my mouth shut most days  No one seems to want to know what i'm saying  Or care what im saying for that matter  It's always in one ear and out the other  I guess some people think that of me.  But i listen, even though it may not seem like it  I may keep music in my ears all the time  I may seem like i don’t care to understand  Or just don’t understand at all  But I do.  I show it in small ways because in the moments that make the difference,  I’m no good with words.  I don’t know how to make people understand. 

March 31, 2022 my offering? What do I have to offer?  Nothing.  My life has amounted to nothing and I have nothing to offer a school.  I can’t function without a breakdown I can’t get through a damn day without crying I can’t offer a school anything other than a broken child and broken bank When the fuck was I ever smart enough to even think of furthering my education? I know I can't. I’m not cut out for things like this.  I have a “good gpa”  But where is that going to get me  I don’t work well with people I don’t have outstanding talents  All I have is a sad dream and want to learn How does one even get through something like that  “Write an essay about why we should choose you” More like tell us everything that is interesting about you. How do I do that when there is nothing interesting The most interesting thing i have going for me is that I am depressed as shit and a motherless child  I’ve been adult longer than I’ve been a child  I...

March 26, 2022 Stop How do you stop yourself from crying? How do you not feel like every second you breathe, The next you will fall apart? How do you stop the pain?  The darkness?  The ever enclosing need to no longer exist? I'm beginning to feel like these feelings may never flee. Like they may never leave me alone.  Except in one instance.  Except in death  Only then will I longer cry for useless reasons. I will no longer feel the crushing weight of the world on my mind every second. In death I won't need to feel pain and sadness. I won't be here  So there will be nothing to feel.  If only life could be lived like that.  I'm already not here, but I feel everything ten fold  Why must it be? Why must I be? Why must everything be? Why can't we all be snapped away in an instant? Why can't the bombs be dropped and the race wiped from the earth?  Why can't the simulation be reset?  Why can't everything just cease to exist in the present...

 February 1, 2022 nothing  I want to scream  I want to cry  I want to throw myself off of a bridge  Ive given up on work  And life  Because there is nothing here I like anymore  My friends are gone  Like normal  My house is to loud with drunken idiocy  And all i want to do right now is leave  Not the building  Not the town  Not the country  But the world  I don’t know what to write  Or what to do  All i know is i don’t want to be here  Or hear the notifications of annoyance dinging every minute  I have short lived, fleeting moments of happiness But they are followed by deep, dark, depression  Loneliness  When i think of who is there to talk to,  The list ends before it even begins  No one is there who will understand or help  No one is there who will provide me any sort of insight  I am beyond alone  If one is the loneliest number  Than i’m beyond o...

November 14, 2021 Everystudent School Assignment Part 2 ------------------------ What Everyone Wants of Everystudent Life is unfair.  EveryTeacher commands specific assignments to be done, EveryStudent just wishes to write what she’d like, And Grades will be useless come graduation.  GPA tags along as a wonderful curtain, A way of leading everyone to believe that she is a perfect student,  But behind that curtain there is much struggle...  From School;  From Work;  From Everything.  Nothing is easy.  Life has increasingly become the hardest obstacle,  And Work is easily the worst to face, Not so much the job itself, But the Manager who has a clear disregard for Every Student's... Everything. Her schoolwork.  Her personal life.  Her mental health. Manager cares little for anything except her Christmas bonus.  She leaves her workers tired and aching,  Controlling the thread of their times. For everystudent, that threads beco...