Listen to My Tears

 July 7, 2022 freedom?  I’m starting to wonder if they want me around anymore  Is this a tactic to get me alone and hold myself accountable?  The problem is that is something I know I won’t do.  Why?  Because every single little thing I do in my house needs to have a reasonable explanation.  That’s what it’s like to live in an overbearing household.  No freedom.  I need excuses to go out.  I need a reason to do anything that isn’t staying quiet in my room and doing nothing all day. I know that even trying to work out on my own will pose the annoying question;  “What are you doing?”  She asks that every fucking day it seems,  With that annoying fucking face that she always has,  As if seeing me not being a lazy bum is a miracle of god.  You ever feel like your trapped in a box,  With no air left to breathe?  Well I’ve been trapped in that box for more than five years already.  The air ran out a long...

 July 5, 2022 faces  I hate people’s faces.  It's why eye contact is such a hard thing for me to make.  I can't watch a person's face with the same sad excuse of an expression;  Often disappointment,  Or annoyance,  Or straight up disdain. Everyone seems to have a problem with the way I go through life,  Probably because I shuffle through it. I don't walk or stroll or skip through the day…  I stumble and drag my feet in exhaustion of existence.  I can't stand there and have a conversation knowing that in the back of their mind,  There is only the thought of “why does she look like shit again today?”  Or “why is she so lazy?” Or “why wont she work when the depression is drowning he so far in the deep darkness that she feels it'll just be easier to let her entire fucking body go into ruin instead of just slitting her wrists or putting a bullet through her own head?”  Yea.  Those kinds of thoughts are the reason I can't ...

 July 5, 2022 boiling over Why do I constantly feel like a simmering pot of water…  Seconds away from boiling over and exploding the pot. It's not so much that I’m filled with rage, But that I'm filled to the brim with depression,  And self loathing,  And general hatred for no reason other than that I exist.  Everyday is another I have to try and bring the water levels down,  I have to keep the pot from overflowing again,  And everyday it gets harder to hold it back, To keep the waters at bay and to stop myself from falling over the edge again.  I've realized it's not so much about keeping the water from boiling over,  It's about keeping a lid on everything so as to not bother the people around me.  If I were to explode,  publicly in a way I want to every second of everyday,  It would become too much of a hassle for them to deal with me.  I have to keep my life together just so the people around me won't see it as a proble...