Listen to My Tears

 July 7, 2022 freedom?  I’m starting to wonder if they want me around anymore  Is this a tactic to get me alone and hold myself accountable?  The problem is that is something I know I won’t do.  Why?  Because every single little thing I do in my house needs to have a reasonable explanation.  That’s what it’s like to live in an overbearing household.  No freedom.  I need excuses to go out.  I need a reason to do anything that isn’t staying quiet in my room and doing nothing all day. I know that even trying to work out on my own will pose the annoying question;  “What are you doing?”  She asks that every fucking day it seems,  With that annoying fucking face that she always has,  As if seeing me not being a lazy bum is a miracle of god.  You ever feel like your trapped in a box,  With no air left to breathe?  Well I’ve been trapped in that box for more than five years already.  The air ran out a long...

 July 5, 2022 faces  I hate people’s faces.  It's why eye contact is such a hard thing for me to make.  I can't watch a person's face with the same sad excuse of an expression;  Often disappointment,  Or annoyance,  Or straight up disdain. Everyone seems to have a problem with the way I go through life,  Probably because I shuffle through it. I don't walk or stroll or skip through the day…  I stumble and drag my feet in exhaustion of existence.  I can't stand there and have a conversation knowing that in the back of their mind,  There is only the thought of “why does she look like shit again today?”  Or “why is she so lazy?” Or “why wont she work when the depression is drowning he so far in the deep darkness that she feels it'll just be easier to let her entire fucking body go into ruin instead of just slitting her wrists or putting a bullet through her own head?”  Yea.  Those kinds of thoughts are the reason I can't ...

 July 5, 2022 boiling over Why do I constantly feel like a simmering pot of water…  Seconds away from boiling over and exploding the pot. It's not so much that I’m filled with rage, But that I'm filled to the brim with depression,  And self loathing,  And general hatred for no reason other than that I exist.  Everyday is another I have to try and bring the water levels down,  I have to keep the pot from overflowing again,  And everyday it gets harder to hold it back, To keep the waters at bay and to stop myself from falling over the edge again.  I've realized it's not so much about keeping the water from boiling over,  It's about keeping a lid on everything so as to not bother the people around me.  If I were to explode,  publicly in a way I want to every second of everyday,  It would become too much of a hassle for them to deal with me.  I have to keep my life together just so the people around me won't see it as a proble...

May 19, 2022 There's Your Answer  What do you want from me?  You want me to magically have an answer to every question you pose?  Or feel the need to find the good in a life I’m tired of living?  I can’t give you answers that I don’t know myself Why did I see this doctor?  Why do you want a psychologist?  What do you want to do with your life? I  DON’T KNOW I go to doctors because my grandmother makes me  I don’t know why I want a psych when they’re not even gonna help me in the end  I have absolutely no answer to any fucking question you pose  I just do it even though in the end I’ll be forty steps back from where I stand  There’s no choice in my life It’s just a "fucking do it" situation  If I could do what I wanted,  Without repercussions and an infinite amount of resources at my disposal,  I still probably wouldn’t know what the fuck to do.  . . . Actually, I do.  I’d fucking end it.  There’s your d...

May 18, 2022 fuck everything  Fucking fuck every fucking thing in this god damn stupid fucking world  I’m to fucking fat  And too fucking depressed  And I can’t fucking handle any of this shit anymore  I want to do this  And do that  But to get there i need money  Or insurance Or connections  Or any form of fucking social interaction  I can’t fucking stand dealing with it  Or being told to fucking “relax”  I haven’t fucking relaxed in twenty-three fucking years  I’m not magically gonna fucking relax now  I wanna fucking be dead now And i have been for fucking 5 years I don’t want to fucking exist anymore  I wann fucking throw myself off the goddamn fucking bridge Or shoot myself in the fucking head  Or fucking let a fucking train run over my body and completely ruined my body so there is nothing left  Just like the fucking inside 

May 2, 2022 Invisible I stand alone in my bathroom and cry again tonight  These four blue tiled walls are the place my tears are stifled  Where the world won't hear my screams in silent pain. I've come to realize that being alone,  Which once seemed to be the thing I feared most,  Is only the half of it.  Not only am I alone, I'm invisible.  To my family. To my coworkers.  To my friends   To everything and everyone.  I've become something people walk all over  And ignore at their own will. People choose when to see me; When to notice I'm there. I can scream and cry and beg for even the slightest glimpse, But they never glance my way.  They see me when it's convenient for them,  Not when I'm in desperate need of their help.  The only place people seem to care is in my dreams,  Where before my mind falls to sleep, I can make people see me.  But as the world fades to black and my subconscious takes control, It'...