38.

 July 5, 2022

boiling over

Why do I constantly feel like a simmering pot of water… 

Seconds away from boiling over and exploding the pot.

It's not so much that I’m filled with rage,

But that I'm filled to the brim with depression, 

And self loathing, 

And general hatred for no reason other than that I exist. 

Everyday is another I have to try and bring the water levels down, 

I have to keep the pot from overflowing again, 

And everyday it gets harder to hold it back,

To keep the waters at bay and to stop myself from falling over the edge again. 

I've realized it's not so much about keeping the water from boiling over, 

It's about keeping a lid on everything so as to not bother the people around me. 

If I were to explode, 

publicly in a way I want to every second of everyday, 

It would become too much of a hassle for them to deal with me. 

I have to keep my life together just so the people around me won't see it as a problem. 

That's what it feels like every second of every day. 

Because everything I do seems to be a problem for them. 

Because my sad excuse of a life not worth living is a problem for them to deal with. 

Because even the thought of having to deal with a depressed person is too much for them to handle. 

So it just feels easier to let everything sit inside and simmer at an ever increasing speed, 

Until the day they will be forced to deal with me…

And I will finally be gone.