6.

 September 9, 2019

Today

Today is a day I don’t like

I don’t know why, but all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs and cry my heart out 

Nothing dark or depressing has happened today 

I just feel this way 

So I do the only thing I can when I feel like this

I blast the music anywhere I can 

In my ears 

On my tv 

Anywhere that has a speaker and internet availability

I blast the only thing that makes me happy on days like today

I feel as though the world has swallowed me whole, 

As if I’m falling into its darkest pits never to be seen again

But I know I will be

That I will go to sleep tonight and in the coming days I will fly out of the hole and into the light 

Only to return on another day 

It’s a never ending cycle

The darkness and the light within me 

Each has a grasp on an arm 

And today, the darkness is pulling me under

Forcing me to drown my lonesome sorrows in the only light it allows 

The light in my life will fight with it 

Like it always does

But I fear that it too has grown tired of fighting

Fighting against the inevitable 

Fighting against the never ending cycle I call my life 

I fear the light will soon get tired of fighting like I have 

I gave up fighting a long time ago 

“There’s no use fighting what is predetermined” 

That was my excuse 

That is what I told myself

But are days like today predetermined

Are they set about in the stars, 

Each one planned out on the calendar of my life ?

Or are these days a glitch in the system, 

Something unplanned and unavoidable?

Did those who create my life see today coming?

See this coming?

Did they see these words on a screen millions of millenniums away in a place beyond any understanding? 

I don’t know what to call those who determine a person’s fate

Are they destiny? 

Or is it just nothing? 

Just “life”. 

I don’t want call it god 

A god 

The God 

It’s all the same 

I think I stopped believing in god a long time ago

I’m not sure when exactly

Maybe it was all the Catholic bullshit they drilled into my young brain in elementary school

Religion class always was the most boring part of my day 

Prayers being one of the most dreaded 

Maybe I’ve never actually believed in god? 

But then why do I believe that people like my great grandmother are in heaven? 

Why do I believe only in that? 

Has the idea of a god almighty been turned completely off, 

But his ideas of an afterlife remained open? 

Where will I end up when my time comes; is now what comes to mind. 

Heaven or hell?

Now I’m starting to think that the answer is nowhere at all

Maybe we are just beings full of energy and when we are gone, 

Our energy returns to whatever it was before us 

Wandering the earth longing for the life we lived. 

Longing for a life we didn’t appreciate

A life we didn’t want. 

But after death- life is a whole different ball game I guess.