3.

 August 2, 2019

You Will Never See Me 

There are things you will never understand about me 

It has nothing to do with age

Or the time period you grew up in 

It has nothing to do with how my mother raised me 

And your mother raised you 

It has nothing to do with any of this

It does however have to do with how we view the world

It is the same world, but lived completely different by us 

Your years have brought you through much history, most of which I’ve learned in class

Your years have brought you through things the modern world now views as normal 

Your years are many and at a period I may never reach 

My years are far fewer than yours, but have witnessed just as much 

My years have had wars, never ending battles with an enemy I've forgotten existed 

My years have had peace, or at least what the world calls peace 

But my years have seen far more violence than yours did. 

They’ve seen bombings

They’ve seen mass shootings

They’ve seen the fear of leaving the house to go to school

They’ve seen a wave of hate unlike any other, driven completely online

They’ve seen a world that will end due to its own destruction one day

My years are greatly differed from yours 

But as are the lives we lead 

You grew up in a time where others were criticized for the way their skin looked

But I did not

You grew up in a time where happiness could be found outside the home, without fear 

But I did not

You grew up in a simple world 

But I did not

You grew up in a world vastly different than mine

And though the years have passed

You are still stuck in yours

I grew up in this world 

A modern world 

In a harsh reality of life where every little thing about you can and will be judged

I grew up in this world

A modern world

Where the pressures to be perfect are immense and ever growing 

I grew up in this world

A modern world

Where happiness doesn't always thrive in a typical sense 

You probably found happiness in friends 

In a large family with your many siblings 

But I don't find happiness as easy as this 

I don't have friends always around 

Or siblings to go out with 

I am alone in a world where everything seems to be done in pairs 

And so I turn to my natural happiness 

A happiness that can not be topped by anything from your world 

I turn to music

A different language but with the same message 

I turn to a band that lives on the other side of the world but have brought so much joy and happiness into my life I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve internally thanked them 

I turn to a love that is unmatched, even within my own household

They do not know my name

They do not know my story 

But they know how to love someone who is broken 

Someone who hides her words on a paper 

Locked within a cage, the key lost in her history 

They know how to love 

They love without boundaries or borders 

They love without expectations or standards 

They love without having to know anything about me 

I don’t know how to explain this in a sense that you’ll understand

But at times, I feel as though you have lost touch with who I actually am

You’ve seen only the mask upon my face 

You’ve never bothered to look beneath

To see your broken granddaughter who silently begs for a better life 

A life like my dreams 

Where you are not there

Where you are never there 

Where my subconscious keeps you out so you can’t ruin another thing

You can’t ruin the world I want to live in 

You can’t ruin my escape from you

You’ve never bothered to consider a happiness I’ve craved since moving here 

You’ve never bothered to consider the depression that hides inside the person you thought you knew 

You've never bothered to see past the 'I'm fine' and hear the 'save me' I'm screaming at the top of my lungs 

You’ve never bothered to see who I am

And you never will