10.

 September 30, 2019

who am i anymore? 

What has my life become? 

It’s a question I ask myself on the daily now 

Am I doomed to live here forever? 

Stuck in a house that doesn’t feel like home? 

Am I going to live a lonely life? 

No friends in town or love to hold? 

Everything in my life has lost meaning now

I don’t want to be here or there

I don’t even want to be in this world most days 

The depression has crawled its way back,

Cementing itself in my life again. 

I thought I got rid of it, 

I thought the friends I had helped get rid of it 

But now I see it more than ever 

Alone in an old house 

Alone in a life i don’t want to live anymore 

I’m here but nowhere at the same time 

My face is not my face

But a mask everyone has become so accustomed to they’ve forgotten who I am inside

It’s easy to fake a smile 

But I’ve faked for so long I don’t know who I am anymore 

Am I dead or am I living? 

Am I even here right now? 

Am I who I want to be anymore? 

I never asked to be so dark and lonely 

To cry silent tears in the night 

I never asked for a darkness so large to swallow me

Like a blackhole swallowing a universe

I never asked to feel like this 

Every day 

Day in. 

Day out 

To feel like a failure

Like I’ll never be good enough 

Like everything in my life means nothing 

These standards in my life

Are invisible to people

But I see them 

I see that they want me to do more than I am 

More than I ever possibly can 

They want me to do things 

Be things 

I never can be 

I’ll never live up to the standards 

They’re society’s 

They’re my family’s 

They’re everyone around me standards 

Im drowning in them like i'm drowning in darkness 

Never to reach what has been set 

Never to see the light of day again