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May 8th, 2019

Mother's Day

Mother’s Day 

It draws nearer and I can’t help but replay the last four mother’s days over in my head 

I can’t help but replay the last 19 mother days 

I feel like my mind is currently a broken VCR, stuck on replay and never ending 

The same images are playing over and over in front of my eyes.

How do I get through this?

I haven’t even thought about a holiday’s difference without you till now 

Am I a horrible daughter for not remembering all those other days? 

Was my first Christmas that much of a different one than the ones before? 

My twentieth birthday, was that any different than the others? 

Am I any different? 

Has the sudden meaning of the holiday brought about these feelings? 

Or has something changed within me?

You always seemed to know the perfect words to say 

The best phrase to get through the day 

I don’t know how to control the words that mean to fly through my brain,

I wish I had learned that skill

I wish I had the perfect quote to get me through the lonely days 

A lyric that I could live by 

A poem to inspire me through the hardships of life

You seemed to know everything 

You seemed like nothing bothered you in the world 

You built a stage so high no one could touch you 

At least to me that’s how it seemed 

But now in death, in adulthood…

I realize that was never the case 

You hid so much to keep me protected

To hide the cruelties of the world 

And I am thankful for that

Your protections helped me to build up my own walls in their own way,

To protect myself from the harsh reality that the universe would soon deal me

Learning through the cruelty that the world, and life, had to offer taught me to fight like I’d never done before

Though you are gone now, I feel as though the old me has transformed into someone new

Someone stronger than the last 

Someone who is like you